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Martha Stewart Biographical Timeline
- August 3, 1941: Born Martha Kostyra in Jersey City, New Jersey.
- May 7, 1944: Noting a Jersey City background would harm her career, demanded parents move to Nutley, NJ "or else."
- November, 1956: First starts habit of handing teachers back their written comments with tips for improving their handwriting.
- March 23, 1961: Weds Andy Stewart. Husband disappears shortly after mating.
- September, 1967: Begins career as stock broker, but leaves suddenly in 1973. Brokerage house and all records mysteriously burn to ground day after.
- Spring, 1973: Goes into modeling, but ends brief career for Lifebuoy and Clairol after "scary ice maiden" look falls out of vogue.
- June, 1975: Contributes articles to various home magazines. Opens work force door to all women with helmet hair.
- Fall, 1982: Publishes first magazine, Can You Hold a Candle To This, You Mere Housewench? renamed Entertaining before hitting newsstands.
- January, 1983: Begins Today Show appearances. Homemakers learn new form of inadequacy.
- April, 1984: Signs 5 million dollar deal with K-Mart. Waves fist in air, vowing "no economic class will escape my grasp!" Bu-whaa-haa-haaas heartily for two straight hours.
- August, 1987: Gives press conferences saying no Stewart clothing will be made by exploited labor. Secret memo reveals reasoning actually "immigrant smell too hard to wash out of clothes."
- July 13, 1988: Becomes first woman to kill a man with the power of her stare. Deemed self-defense, charges dropped.
- September, 1993: Launches television show Martha Stewart Living. Holds secret meeting with Oprah Winfrey to divide territorial rights for the souls of American women.
- February 2, 1997: Creates Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia. Pleased with master of the universe, omniscient sound of name.
- October, 1999: Leaves Today Show for CBS after infamous "kneel before me" incident. Creative differences cited.
- December, 2001: Allegedly gets inside tip FDA to issue "are you fucking kidding me?" ruling on ImClone's flagship drug. Dumps stock.
- March 9, 2002: Leaves CBS morning show in huff. Later caught trying to edit video tapes to claim she never worked there.
- May 19, 2003: Cybill Shepherd plays Stewart in television movie. Public has no opinion on movie, but remember how badly Shepherd acts.
- June, 2003: Prosecutors inflamed by "I'll have your heads on pikes" comment, move to indict.
- Present: Steps down as CEO of MSL Omnimedia. Bizarrely vows once her innocence is proven, will sit on a throne made from prosecutor's bones.
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