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SaveMarthaStewart.com's Manifesto:
Martha Stewart is Not an Unlawful Caterer!
The Ashcroft Justice Department continues its disregard of the
Constitution and all concepts of due process and tact when it accuses
Martha Stewart of criminal wrongdoing. Martha's no criminal. Has
anyone even bothered to look for the Satanic cult seen hanging around
Connecticut stock broker's offices at the time?
And so what if she lied to investigators? You can't make a souffle
without breaking a few eggs, separating the egg-whites, and beating them
until light and airy. And isn't that really what Martha's been accused
of? Capitalism is messy. But with artfully appointed stock certificate
doilies, it can at least be tasteful.
Can't you see that Martha's tactful denials of insider trading are the
more aesthetically pleasing version of reality? Obstruction of justice?
Nonsense. Well-managed, catered entertaining of greater justice,
absolutely. Obstruction of justice requires an on-going official
investigation. The authorities were simply gauche for asking her
annoying questions in the first place. What's more just than ensuring
that unpleasant facts are downplayed by elegant shading and decorative
eye-catching accessories?
Stand up for Martha and show the feds that we won't stand for her
persecution! Boycott American-made sauce pans! Send french toast to
the Justice Department! Save Martha Stewart!
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