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Other Celebrities Comment on Martha's Tragedy
O.J. Simpson |
"Martha is one classy white woman, and she knows a buttload of ways to get blood out of things. Hey, Martha -- I've got a few attorneys I can recommend." |
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Simon Cowell |
"She said she was innocent, and now that's a crime? Clearly the SEC is just making it up now. Pathetic. SEC, I don't know why you even bothered to try. Dreadful!" |
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Satan |
"She makes the tastiest worm paste
and pus dip I've ever tasted." |
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Jack Kevorkian |
"People don't realize what a funny woman Martha is. I met her once at a benefit. She just made me laugh until I wanted to die. God, she slayed me." |
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Charlie Sheen |
"Hey, it might not be all that bad for her. Being in prison surrounded by all those jail chicks... man, that's just hot." |
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Tim Robbins |
[comments canceled] |
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Robert Blake |
"If she did the crime, she should do the time.
Now get me the fuck out of here." |
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Dick Cheney |
"Martha should just deny everything.
Worked like a charm for me." |
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Winona Ryder |
"She shouldn't worry --
they'll never prove a thing!" |
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Roman Polanski |
"I wonder if Martha's ever thought
about moving to Europe? |
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Scott Peterson |
"What a moron! Why the hell did she do something that stupid? Did she really think she could get away with it? |
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Natalie Maines |
"Just so you know, I'm ashamed that
Martha Stewart is from our planet." |
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Larry King |
"Sure, Martha was concerned about her stock price dropping, but where she's going, she should worry about the soap dropping...
Reeves, Washington, Stewart: Any of these Marthas would make an interesting foil for Babs on The View...
After my own stint in the joint, I can't even hear the word "fudge" without breaking into a sweat...
If there's a sign-up list for conjugal visits, I'm signing up for three tours under different names...
Take it from me, it's hard to bake a perfect soufflé when you're always using one hand to guard your anus...
If Martha had put as much effort in her crafts as she has with her defense, she'd be an assistant manager at Pottery Barn...
Maybe my pal Bill Bennett could fund her legal def-- oh, yeah. Thanks a lot, Bill...
If Martha becomes a stool pigeon, I bet it will involve a nice three-legged model made of oak with hand-bevelled craftsmanship...
Wasn't David Naughton great in Makin' It? Maybe he should have danced with Griffin Dunne in An American Werewolf in London..
Something tells me that this is just John Ashcroft's way of trying to make sure he's got a date for the '03 Bush family barbecue...
Little and Smalley: Two other Stewarts Martha towers over, in height as well as heart...
Martha would be wise to get a few tips from Rosie O'Donnell before the verdict, just in case...
Mark my words: A year from now, the others in the exercise yard will be referring to Martha as Moxie Lionheart...
Other shanks may be more lethal, but Martha's will no doubt have the most comfortable, easiest-to-grip handle...
If Martha and her cell block sisters challenge the guards to a football game, a la The Longest Yard, I think we know who'll have the best unis...
Warning: Earthenware mugs are tough, but won't hold up to repeated rattles across prison bars...
Say, I wonder who's going to tend the Vineyard while she's away?...."
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